The Torah states that Isaac first married Rebecca and then he loved her. It is emphasizing that love should grow between a man and his wife. This happens when you recognize that your job is to make your spouse happy with no expectations in return.

A Quick Dvar Torah: Love That Grows

Parshat Chayei Sarah

In this week’s parsha, we read about the meeting of Yitzchak and Rivka and their eventual marriage.

As we know, Eliezer, Avraham’s servant, was sent to Charan to find a wife for Yitzchak. He devised a test to determine whether the young woman he met would be worthy of joining Avraham’s family.

And Rivka passed that test dramatically!

Not only did she offer Eliezer water, but she also volunteered to draw water for his ten camels. And as I mentioned yesterday, camels drink an enormous amount of water. This was no small act of kindness. Rivka demonstrated that she possessed the same quality of chesed, loving-kindness, that characterized Avraham and Sarah.

But now we come to something particularly interesting.

When Rivka arrives, the Torah tells us:

“And Yitzchak brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, and he took Rivka, and she became his wife, and he loved her.” (Bereishit 24:67)

Notice the progression here.

First, Yitzchak brings Rivka into Sarah’s tent. Then he marries her. And only afterward does the Torah tell us that he loved her.

Why this particular order?

Let’s begin with Sarah’s tent.

According to the Midrash, while Sarah was alive, there were special blessings associated with her tent. The Shabbat candles remained lit from one Shabbat to the next, the dough was blessed, and a cloud of the Divine Presence rested above the tent.

When Sarah died, these blessings disappeared.

But when Rivka entered Sarah’s tent, the blessings returned.

What does this tell us?

Rivka was not replacing Sarah. Nobody could replace Sarah. But Rivka was demonstrating that she was worthy of continuing Sarah’s legacy. She possessed the same spiritual qualities, the same commitment to kindness, and the same ability to create a Jewish home filled with holiness.

And then Yitzchak married her.

And then he loved her.

Wait a minute!

Here in the Western world, don’t we do things in exactly the opposite order? First, you fall in love, then you get married.

But the Torah is teaching us something very important about the nature of love.

In the traditional Jewish approach to marriage, the first question is not simply whether two people have fallen madly in love. The question is whether they are compatible. Do they share the same values? Do they want to build the same kind of home? Can they communicate with each other? Do they have a similar sense of humor?

After all, it’s important to know whether your future spouse laughs at your jokes!

The Talmud teaches that a man should not marry a woman without first seeing her, lest he subsequently find something objectionable about her. In other words, compatibility matters.

But love is something that should continue to develop throughout the marriage.

There’s a wonderful story about a talk show host who was puzzled by the relatively low divorce rate he had heard about among Hasidic Jews.

He asked a Hasidic man, “How do you explain this? You go out on three or four dates, decide to get married, and somehow your marriages last. What’s your secret?”

The Hasid replied, “You don’t understand. Before I get married, I’m taught that my responsibility is to make my wife happy, without constantly asking what I’m getting in return.

“And my wife is taught that her responsibility is to make me happy, without constantly asking what she’s getting in return.

“So if both of us are spending our lives trying to make the other person happy, what do you think happens?

“Naturally, our love grows.”

And that’s the point!

Marriage is not supposed to be a situation in which two people fall in love, get married, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to preserve the feelings they had on their wedding day.

Their love should become stronger.

I don’t know how many of you remember the television series House. There was an episode involving a married couple whose relationship prompted a discussion about love and marriage.

The lesson I remember from that exchange was particularly meaningful.

A doctor was asked whether he loved his wife.

He replied, “I love her just as much today as I did on the day we got married.”

And the response was, in effect, “That’s your problem! You should love her more today than you did when you married her!”

Think about that.

If you’ve been married for twenty, thirty, forty, or fifty years, shouldn’t your love be greater today than it was on your wedding day?

You’ve shared a lifetime of experiences. You’ve celebrated happy occasions together. You’ve faced difficulties together. You’ve built a home, perhaps raised children, and supported one another through good times and bad.

All of those experiences should deepen your love.

And that is the beautiful lesson of Yitzchak and Rivka.

The Torah tells us that Yitzchak married Rivka and then loved her. It is not teaching us that affection is unimportant before marriage. Rather, it is reminding us that love is not merely the starting point of a marriage. It is something that we build, nurture, and strengthen throughout our lives.

The goal of marriage is not simply to love your spouse as much as you did on your wedding day. The goal is to love your spouse more with every passing year.

And that is a lesson from Parshat Chayei Sarah that all of us who are married should take to heart.